Monday, November 8, 2010

Going Loco for Lokos

Hey Joe, did you know that they banned Four Lokos in your state? Hey Joe, did you know that you’re going to have to go to Ohio or Canada to get Four Lokos? Hey Joe, did you know that pumpkins float? Hey Joe? Hey Joe? Hey Joe…wait why are you putting that gun in your mouth?

Yes Four Lokos have apparently gone the way of Clove cigarettes and the Dodo Bird in the Mitten. I say “apparently” because I haven’t nearly heard enough about the story to know that it’s true. I’ve only heard about it from Twitter posts, Facebook posts, Clickondetroit, local radio, public radio, the late night news, the morning shows, class discussions, scribbles on the bathroom stalls, billboards, sky writers, sages, union officials, weathermen, turtles, seagulls, construction barrels, Jennifer Granholm‘s mole, Jeffery Feiger, the Loch Ness Monster, and my newspapers. I‘ve yet to hear MSNBC talk about the ban and we all know that wherever there's alcohol--there's MSNBC.

It seems like everyday there’s a new story about somebody talking about Michigan banning this stupid drink and how “dozens of states will shortly follow” in Michigan’s footsteps. Can we just put an end to the mere utterance of this stupid phrase. No state ever follows in our footsteps. Why? Because our state is effing bonkers. It bans and taxes everything it can and then wonders why nobody wants to come and do business in it. Our laws are stupid. Did you know that in 2010 it’s perfectly legal for an armed robber to sue a homeowner for negligence if they get hurt in the process of burglarizing a home? It’s also illegal in thirteen counties to be drunk while traveling on trains. I highly question if some of these thirteen counties even have people living in them, let alone trains. I’ve been up north! You Yoopers aren’t fooling anybody!

But Michigan banned the caffeinated “black out in a can.” Experts and proponents of the ban cite that young people can end up drinking Four Lokos and killing themselves because the “caffeine disguises the effects of the alcohol.” I guess this is more dangerous than other alcohols in which young people can kill themselves because the effects of alcohol are disguised by the fact that they‘re drinking alcohol. Seriously, who are these kids? Better question. Who are these kids teachers? Best question. Who are these kids parents? How can you possibly be dumb enough to not know you’re drunk. Before anybody starts with me about the science of mixing caffeine and alcohol I present you with exhibition A: The Jager Bomb. Energy Drink + Jager. It fucks you up. You feel it in no time. Pretty sure you know you’re drunk on Four Loko as well.

That being said there are incredibly stupid people in my state. That‘s like a fact. I mean our state motto is “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, you‘re in the wrong state.” Regardless of whether they take the Lokos out of the state or not; you’re not going to take the loco out of the people. That’s for sure. Michiganders will still discover incredibly stupid/horrifying/tragic/entertaining/humorous ways of killing themselves with alcohol. There’s no shortage on stupid here. In fact we’ve perfected it and made it an art form. As long as there are stupid people to do stupid things with substances/inanimate objects/breathing Michigan will find away to lobby for taxing, regulating, and lastly banning it.

Michigan: Giving Prohibition A Second Chance…

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