I went to check up on my Twitter page today mostly because I heard a rumor that the Foo Fighters were going to be touring again soon. Typing "Twitter" into Google led me to the search results & by far the dumbest breaking news story I think I've ever read.
Drum Roll Please...
First off who the hell is buzzing? What fans of Sesame Street are there, over the age of like 8. even habitually watching Sesame Street?! Who is out there to get excited about the sexual orientation of a freaking puppet!!? The only people that watch Sesame Street that are over the age of sexual consent are probably watching Sesame Street because they already have kids themselves!
Secondly it's a puppet. An inanimate puppet. The only thing remotely gay about a puppet is that some of them are operated by an individual sticking their hand up the puppet's butt. If that constitutes gay orientation I guess any person who has ever had to put on a puppet show is going to have some explaining to do to their spouses/partners.
Tonight on Action 7 News: Man got performing puppet show for neighborhood kids! Charged with criminal sexual misconduct & sexual assault! Details at 6!
I can't even begin...I can't even type straight trying to think about this article without laughing. Somebody should check on the author to see if they're still breathing because if that chick lost as many brain cells typing it as I did reading it-she's got to be a vegetable. She just has to be. Meena Hartenstein is somewhere in New York hunched over her computer drooling & shitting herself uncontrollably. This article is so catastrophically devoid of anything north of vegetative functions that if it were humanly personified it would be Terri Schiavo after plummeting off of the Sears Tower tied to an anvil.
And if the whole article weren't stupid enough; the justification for the speculations of these supposed "countless fans buzzing" is the following tweet. I am not making this up. This is the tweet "heard around the world" to use Ms. Meena Schiavo's own words from the article.
"Ever notice how similar my hair is to Mr. T's?" lovable sweater-clad Bert wrote on the official "Sesame Street" Twitter account in June. "The only difference is mine is a little more 'mo,' a little less 'hawk.'"
Apparently in some narc-induced world, people are interpreting the whole "Mo" thing as being short for "Homo". Yes...I can hear your collective Godzilla Facepalm as I type. However, that Evil Knieval of a stretch isn't the widest in the article though. Nope, our favorite comatose writer continues on with the following gem of TMI:
As proof, the Times cites "Sesame Street"'s history of inviting openly gay celebrity guests to the show, such as lesbian comedian Wanda Sykes who appeared this season and Neil Patrick Harris who once came on the show as "the shoe fairy."
If that's not enough to convince you, the Times adds "Sesame"'s spoof of HBO's racy series "True Blood," which stars gay characters and has a gay fan base, as evidence of another effort to appeal to gay viewers.
Say no more! Say no more! Stop the presses! They have got to be gay! Sesame Street bringing on actors...who appear on the same television show with other actors...who happen to play gay characters...on fictional television programs... My God how is it not raining leather clad men on Sesame Street right now...
Such masters of logic you are!!
That means that if any of us...everyday ordinary people...have ever been in the same room...with a gay person...The Los Angeles Times...Meena "What Kind Of A Fucking Name Is Meena" Hartenstein...true masters of logical analysis say...we're probably gay. I mean it's like a cold apparently. You don't want to catch the gay. It's very contagious. One second you're with a gay and the next you're at the front row of a Cher concert!
Somebody should contact the Times and let them know that somewhere in America (outside of the THEIR America where people are apparently just lining up to hopefully catch a glimpse of some gay puppet on puppet action) there are straight people that associate platonically and peacefully with gay people.
Just not in LA apparently. Or from Meena Hartenstein's vantage point...
Somebody get her a feeding tube stat!
Until next time...
Joe.
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