I imagine Hell, if there is such a place, would be the waiting room of a DMV. In this DMV there would be several television sets. On each television set would be the Scripps National Spelling Bee because next to televised soccer--there is nothing more boring on Earth than witnessing a Spelling Bee.
Now I can’t hate on a Spelling Bee, because some of these kids that take part in these competitions are really freakishly good spellers. In fact the only thing more freaky than their spelling skills are the parents who are freakishly obsessed with exploiting their children. I haven’t decided which group of parents scares me more. The Pageant parents or the Spelling Bee parents. It’s a serious toss up and if I had the money I would invest in a professional fighting league that would pit these people against each other.
So you’re sitting in a hot auditorium watching a Spelling Bee. You can’t talk. You’re shrouded in darkness because they don’t want the contestants to possibly see somebody mouthing spellings. Worse than these things; you can’t drink. So for all intents and purposes if you ever find yourself being dragged to a Spelling Bee…kill yourself.
Of course if you’re a rebel like your’s truly it’s important to know the variables. For one thing, the Bee is always broken up into parts and breaks because there is only so much S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G somebody can take before somebody is pulling out a machete. If you are lucky enough to not be in a coma by the time the break arrives be sure to have a flask. You will need it. It won’t make the competition anymore interesting, but at least a couple hours in you’ll be two sips past Giveashitville.
JUDGE: Cindy, your word is Intoxication.
CINDY: Can you give me a definition?
JUDGE: To get really drunk or high.
CINDY: Can you use the word in a sentence?
JUDGE: Your father is currently sitting in the audience praying for acute alcohol intoxication to kick in so he can leave this room.
I don’t know if the word “judge” is the official term for the mediator of these events but I don’t really care. In fact neither does anybody else in America outside of the people that actually participate in these competitions. However if you’d like to know the rules of the contest and how you can pimp your dorky kid for possible monetary gain just go the source. You can simply go to the Scripps National Spelling Bee website and print out rules…OH WAIT YOU CAN’T!!!
You know why? Oh you’re going to love this.
There’s a $99 dollar enrollment fee to even find out any official information about the Spelling Bee. Apparently Scripps National Spelling Bee isn’t so much a contest as it’s a prestigious secret society of super spelling mutants who only disclose their program to people who like to spend lots of money on useless crap! $99 dollars. Nine. Nine. Mulah? Are you kdding me?
I wouldn’t pay Ninety-fuck-nine dollars for a dictionary. What makes these people at Scripps think that I’d be willing to donate $99 for a pamphlet of papers explaining how to study spelling words? And yet clearly they must make a killing doing this since they’re still around!!
The only explanation for this even being possible is that somewhere in this great country, there’s a bunch of fucking people, and none of them can spell. So they get together one day and decide that they need to have a convention! So all these non-spellers get together and rack their brains on how they could possibly learn how to spell. Suddenly it hits them!
“Hey! We’ll run for Congress!”
And so it was. They were all in Washington and they all got together and had a congressional hearing to determine the best (most expensive) plan of action to head off their spelling problems. Finally after weeks of bipartisan compromise America is saved from an uncertain future plagued with grammatical errors and typos. Congress has a solution. We’ll charge people $99 dollars for a Scripps National Spelling Bee Pamphlet that will explain to people how to sound out words and spell them! It’ll be grand!
And so it was…at least in my mind.
Digressing from my juvenile daydreams--there are some truths that are inevitable about the Spelling Bee.
1.) Spelling Bees, by their own existence, are B-O-R-I-N-G
Boring (ADJ) Lacking in excitement and interest.
2.) Spelling Bee parents are by their own existence, bat-shit crazy.
3.) If their children do not win in Spelling Bee competition they have to go back to being locked up in the basement.
4.) Scripps National Spelling Bee Program is a cult of boring bat-shit crazy parents who lock up their children in the basement.
So in conclusion, if you’re stuck at the B-E-E make sure to be packing the B-O-O-Z-E.
Until next time,
Peace & Love
J-O-E
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