Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I'm Going To Disney World!

In case you're living on Neptune or were lucky enough to escape the state of Michigan a long time ago you may or may not have heard about the fact that it's really really really hot. I'm talking about the kind of heat that you walk out into and drive for miles just to find a lake to jump into (toxic waste dumps count too). The kind of heat that causes customers to walk into your store and inform you in case you hadn't noticed that the air in the store isn't working and it's really hot. After all, I'm wearing a lab coat. I can't feel heat. I'm a pharmacy technician. I have no feelings. I'm not a real person. Merely a figment of your overactive (cracked-out) imagination.

Due to the July 4th holiday--the pharmacy was closed Sunday. Because of this conveniently and strategically placed day off; we had nothing going on today. When I say we had nothing going on I mean we had absolutely nothing to do but listen to the radio and clean and talk shit for 7 hours straight. We did 52 scripts.

Yes. On a Monday.

It may have been the most beautiful day of work I have ever had in my life. This blessing was bestowed on me because corporate decided that it would be in the best interest for our pharmacy to do three days worth of work on Saturday (I had it off) to ensure that the following Tuesday (when the wholesaler finally sends its three days worth of orders) isn't as deeply submerged in hell as it could've been. So Saturday they (not me) had 87 scripts waiting for them in the morning (I slept). When asked to comment on that situation the author of this blog merely walked away laughing hysterically. Tuesday shall be interesting (for them because I have that day off as well). For the poor souls that have to work on Tuesday I say, "It was good knowing you all."

Of course tomorrow means many things for this formerly long-haired loveable fuzzable. It means I get to wake up early and cut the grass. It also means that I have plenty of in the home activities to do because I will be leaving this state for sunny Florida in a mere two weeks. Yes because I love the heat so much--I'm going to Florida...in July. However I look forward to this vacation as if I were an Israelite looking forward to the Promised Land. Ironically I also know that the next two weeks will drag on for 40 years and by the time I make it to Orlando International Airport...I will probably also look like Moses. I don't care. Somewhere right now Orlando's rat is wandering around and I plan to hug it. I also plan to hug a palm tree because when you are from Michigan--you hug a god damned palm tree.

My family loves to get ready for vacations. My family is so into the whole getting ready for a vacation procedure that we get ready for vacations that we aren't even taking. So far over the last three weeks since we decided to go hang with the mouse; we have made 600 trips to JCPenney and spent enough money to probably start our own retail clothing chain. We close in on the clothing store not like it’s a source of clothing needs for a hot climate. We close in on JCPenney like its Saigon. It truly is a strategic military operation—and I would know. My father is a military man. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if right now hidden somewhere in an underground bunker (the basement) there are blueprints and floorplans to our local Chesterfield Penney’s; marked out with the next plan of attack.

Day 1: Swim trunks.

Day 2: Flip flops.

Day 3: Complete surrender of the building and all liquid assets to me.

Day 4: Two for one sale on Dockers!! COUPONS!!

I’m just as bad. However it’s a lot more fun for me to make fun of my family’s shopping habits than it is for me to point out my own shopping downfalls. Hey it’s my blog. My rules. Don’t like it? Cry.

It’s a nine day trip. In nine days apparently this means to my mother that I need roughly 47 different pairs of shirt and shorts to pack. I try and pack lightly I get that “contorted facial horror” look that only women can pull off.

Me: Why are we taking all this stuff?

Mom: You rather be safe than sorry!

Me: Umm…but what if?

Mom: *The Look*

Me: Never mind. You’re absolutely right. Let’s go to Penney’s.

Preparing for vacation also means searching for things that mysteriously disappear in retaliation to your need of finding them. It doesn’t matter who you are—the day before you leave on a trip you are out of toothpaste or razors. I couldn’t tell you what happens to these little but semi-important (enough so to piss you off) items but I suspect they probably are in Iraq. Note for next trip—go to Iraq.

Of course nothing takes the cake in pre-vacation activities like arriving at the airport driving to and dealing with Metro Airport. Assuming that it’s July and that I live in Michigan it’s safe to come to the conclusion that I-94 will be a blockade of orange barrels and construction equipment and signs reassuring us that somewhere, somehow, there are construction workers working. Also it’s a safe bet that Telegraph is a bomb crater forcing us to sit on I-94 and read signs ensuring us that somewhere, somehow, there are construction workers working.

Then we will arrive at the airport parking lot where we will sacrifice a small child to the parking lot attendant in payment for our 9 days of parking and squeeze ourselves into a shuttle operated by a former disgruntled and hungover postal worker. Considering we survive the shuttle trip to the airport we will find ourselves to the electronic kiosk to redeem our boarding passes for tickets.

(Correction: We will stand in front of the electronic kiosk for half-an-hour cussing and carrying on about how you need a PhD in Quantum Mechanics to figure out how to use the thing.)

By the time we make it through airport security and get redressed I assume we will be just in time to walk nine miles through McNamara Terminal to our gate which will be conveniently located at whichever end is furthest from where we started walking. Then it's three hours by plane (add an hour spent on the tarmac waiting to take off). Considering it's Delta this flight duration is subject to change. You never know how many lights you'll hit on the way down there.

Regardless in two weeks I will be in Florida and it will be awesome when that plane touches down. This man will be happy and stress-free for 9 days because for the first time in 4 years I will be reunited with my happy place. Disney World.

Peace & Love


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