Thursday, July 1, 2010

You Can't Spell Riot Without Vowels

It’s been a long week or six since I’ve posted. Actually I couldn’t tell you exactly when was the last time I updated my blog since I did not check when I began adding this entry. All I know is that it seemed like it had been a while so doing what any good informative writer would do in that given situation--I grabbed a beer and turned on SportsCenter. Then the following day I figured maybe it was time for an update on what I’ve been up to.

The company buried another batch of coupons in the pet cemetery last week and since then it’s been Armageddon at work. The crackheads have been coming in droves to ask us stupid questions about how many $25 gift cards they can get in “return” for us filling their quicker-picker-upper boner pills and how quickly they can get them (they need enough to last them for their trip to Toronto for the G20 Summit aka Burning Man 2010).

But have no fear--July 4th is soon upon us. The ultimate holiday to usher in those hot summer nights of swimming in the lake and watching fireworks explode across the Michigan sky. Those warm summer days where you can smell the distant smell of burning (Toronto) and sit in traffic that’s backed up for miles. After all, there are construction workers present…somewhere…working…maybe.

However work wasn’t the only sign remind me how screwed as a planet we all really are. In fact the past week we’ve been blessed with the Kagan Senate Confirmation Hearings dominating the 5 o’clock news. For those of you who were not aware (you lucky souls), Obama has nominated Elena Kagan for the open spot on the Supreme Court being vacated by John Paul Stevens, who may or may not have been bassist for Led Zeppelin. I’m just kidding. Stevens has been on the court since the late Cretaceous period.

Let me break down what occurred during these “hearings.” Basically before anything started the news media announced than Kagan was pretty much a shoe-in. So what resulted were days of Republicans and Democrats talking to Kagan about important issues…like vegetables and what the definition of the word “progressive” is. They laughed a little. They even cried a little. What resulted was a Charlie Foxtrot of political incompetence and a major headache for me. Hell in the middle of the hearing Arlan Specter (D formally known as R-PA) actually criticized Kagan for not answering anything. Yeah, Arlan Specter was angry! Arlan Specter wants you to eat your damn vegetables! I’m kidding really. After all, Specter has been a member of Congress since the late Paleozoic Era. He doesn’t like vegetables either.

These hearings were more useless than Stevie Wonder in an art museum. I honestly believe that we probably made twice as much ground during the Impeachment of President Bill Clinton discussing the definition of the word “is” than we did finding out anything about what Kagan is going to do as a Supreme Court justice. She claims that her politics won’t influence her decisions on a court but what record to we have to back that up? The woman has never been a judge. Can we assume that she’s a progressive? I don’t know because she doesn’t know what the word “progressive” even means!

In the meantime the oil is still spilling into the Gulf. Congress has responded to this continuous crisis by prepping another financial stimulus package and tax increase. Oh yeah and gas prices are on their way up…

Meanwhile in Toronto the G20 Summit is well into it‘s running. Like the rest of average middle-class working America, I have little to no clue what the purpose of this yearly summit is other than to remind us how fucked we truly are. Either that, or each nation appoints a representative to take turns compiling a list of 20 words that begin with the letter G (without the aid of dictionaries or computers). Apparently this process infuriates a large amount of anarchist groups who feel the need to burn cars and vandalize financial institutions. These are the same anarchist groups that also show up outside DNC & GOP Conventions every four years. I never understood what they were protesting about. I guess they need something to do when they aren’t sitting outside 7-11’s bumming for cigs. Whatever the reason for their protestant disposition may be; there is no denying that these people are pissed. They’re burning down Toronto. Maybe it would be in Ontario’s best interests to force this summit to recognize other letters as well…

Vowels got feelings too…and sometimes Y.

Until next time,

Oh and I almost forgot. Larry King is retiring. I'm sad to see him ago. Of course, I'm kidding as Larry King has been slowly decomposing since the Renaissance. In other words he stinks.

"So umm your show The Real World how much money does the winning contestant take home?"

Yes a true beacon of journalistic integrity...

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