Wednesday, July 7, 2010

NASA + Lohan + Islam + Al Gore = Aneurysm

I cannot stop laughing today. Maybe there was a planetary alignment of some form or another and it just produced a shitload of absolutely hilarious stories in the news. I dunno. Regardless let me start with the first item of absolute ridiculousness.

"Lindsay Lohan is going to jail."

Well that's actually not ridiculous. It's just really funny. That being said we can move onto our next item.

"NASA's Next Frontier is to Improve Relations With Muslim World"

When I first heard about this on the radio I thought it was a joke report. I honestly believed that they had sampled a joke video report from the Onion or some other parody news group. Sadly, this is absolutely true. Apparently Obama has informed NASA of their new mission: improve the relationship with Earth and the Islamic planet. It's clear that in recent years (Bush administration) we didn't really put our relationships with alien beings on the front burners. Therefore (in the name of galactic peace) it is completely in the best interests of America (the Democratic Party) that NASA organize a group of highly trained professionals (the Justice League) and send them by rocket (firecracker) to Planet Islam. I can see Obama's method of madness though. If we make peace with alien Muslims--the Earthly radical ones will have no choice but to change their ways or surrender. It all makes sense.

On to the next item.

"Vice President Biden Claims Iraq Victory for Obama"

In a related story--we won in Iraq? Obama found the weapons? If he found the weapons can he find my toothpaste as well? I need it for Florida.

"Heatwave strikes East Coast. Melts Joan Rivers"

In case you haven't noticed (or read my post from yesterday) it's really really hot. Congress has consulted meteorological experts demanding answers for why they are sweating profusely on their way to work daily. Ruling out all glandular disorders, Democrats blame Republicans for supporting big pollutant industries that have created a massive four month greenhouse effect powered "hot time." Republicans say that the weather is being created by a massive heat-ray producing WMD situated somewhere in Iraq. Obama blames BP. Despite the finger pointing; they do have a solution. All parties agree that the best way to counteract the heat is by increasing federal spending until temperatures cool off. Congress appointed financial experts believe that if they spend enough money this cooling trend may appear somewhere toward the middle of September. First nights will become cooler and then as October rolls in the temperature will quickly begin to drop causing a change in foliage appearance and clothing trends. When the leaves begin changing we will then know that Congress has saved us from global annihilation. To ensure that we never again have to deal with hot weather Congress will continue to increase spending. Precautionary measures for the greater good of America.

By the way did you know we still have an oil spill?

"Al Gore: Sex Poodle or Big Lummox?"

Every once in a while a story comes around that is so hilarious that it makes me stop in appreciation and pinch myself. The last time a story involving a politician had that effect on me; Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. Had that not been funny enough--the friend apologized to Dick Cheney a few days later for what I understand was "getting shot." How I long for the days of the Bush administration again...PSYCH!

"Al Gore" and "sex" are two things that shouldn't be located in the same story let alone the same sentence (especially in meaningful sequence next to each other). Al Gore and Tipper making out. Go puke and I'll wait.

To say Al Gore is a "sex poodle" is like saying Amy Winehouse has great teeth. Both make me want to gouge my eyes out...with a spork.

So as I lay me down to sleep after a long day of sweating--I take comfort in knowing that somewhere massive fields of cocaine will be able to grow without being wiped out by the Lohan. I can sleep comfortably knowing that Al Gore is a crazed sex maniac and that Congress and the MSM can't figure out why it's hot in July. Never again will I lose sleep fearing that Jihadist's will invade the USA from outer space--Obama & NASA has that shit covered.

Peace & Love


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