TV can't get any worse. I think that the whole entertainment medium is being invaded by a total group of talent-less, overdramatic, self-loving, overdramatic, spray-tanned, overdramatic, drama whores. The only way I possibly think that TV could hit a new bottom, is if we just had 300 channels all playing somebody in a bathroom stall after eating Mexican food for 24 hours. Then I think maybe we would’ve hit a new low.
As I sat tonight in bed looking forward to just relaxing and taking a break from the World Cup, I found myself flipping through the channels looking for something that wouldn’t make my head explode. Instead I found myself wrapping my entire head in duct tape just to keep the pieces from flying all over the room and messing up my spotless white carpeting. I began on VH1 watching this program titled “The OCD Project” or as I like to call it “People With Stupid Problems That Need A Swift Kick In The Ass But It Makes Better Television To Exploit Them On A Station That Was Once Called Video Hits One For A Reason Other Than Videos That Make You Want To Someone In The Face”. The point of this show, I guess, is for the shrink to torture these patients and then ask them, “What’s your level?” After watching these people take five minute showers and cry, tattoo themselves with negative imagery, eat food out of a toilet, and make national asses out of themselves in front of millions of viewers who probably have far worse problems; I anxiously scrolled down a channel to MTV.
Jersey Shore. ‘Nuff said. I imagine that the entire house just has orange stains all over the place. I mean that spray tan has to have the same powdery consistency of Cheese Its. After watching Jwoww argue with her dbag boyfriend, over the phone, about her dancing with another dbag tool, I felt the need for some news. So I scrolled up to the nearest “news” channel: Fox News.
On Fox News, I flip in time just to see a “Celebrity Focus Group”. This focus group is made up of people like Tim Allen, Pat Boone, Rachael Leigh Cook, and the reverend guy from 7th Heaven. The purpose of this focus group is to get an overall idea of how average everyday people (with millions of dollars bank accounts and big plastic faces) feel about today’s pressing issues (Hollywood contract rights, celebrity hair implants, and whether Pat Boone died or not in 1970).
After watching this news segment and actually feeling my IQ drop by 10 points--I flip back to VH1. Commercials are playing for upcoming series on VH1 (which last about three weeks before being cancelled) and again I’m astounded. The first commercial is for NFL player Chad Ochocinco (formerly Chad Johnson, but changed his name to Chad “Ochocinco” because he’s an idiot) who is starring in a dating show similar to Brett Michael’s “Have Sex With Brett Before He Has Another Stroke” which has aired on VH1 over the last couple years. The second commercial was for a show called “Bridal Boot Camp” which I guess is a show where they pick up nine cheap “skanks” and turn them into pricier prostitutes.
I flip back to MTV and Jwoww is still talking about her problems while hanging from a stripper pole. I could tell you what she was talking about but I really wasn’t paying attention. My eyes were bleeding on the floor.
After I gathered my eyeballs and stuck them back in their respective sockets I flipped over to the Weather Channel in time to hear about how Tornado Alley is being blown away by tornadoes. Shocker.
MTV. Jwoww is talking to Snookie about their problems. I can only imagine that the room wreaks of spray tan and fish.
VH1. Some contestant on the “OCD Project” is holding a knife to the psychiatrist’s radial artery. He doesn’t kill the doctor or so we are led to believe by VH1. They seem to have an abundance of psychiatrists and doctors. Maybe he’s a clone.
MTV. More spray tans and fish.
VH1. Some contestant is trying to “will” her son to die. She is amazed when he doesn’t die. I’m amazed that she thinks she could will him to die. I’m also amazed that VH1 considers this a real medical show. For the first time tonight, I’m entertained.
Fox News. Greta Van Susteran is wandering around the desert looking for illegal immigrants and possibly Natalie Holloway. She hasn’t found either. Greta Van Susteran proves to be just as effective as both the Bush & Obama administration on border security.
MTV: The guidos are on a boat. Pauly D is talking about being bulletproof. Snookie is dancing on a fat tool. Just when I thought that Jersey Shore couldn’t wreak anymore of fish--they go to a marina.
I’ve decided that maybe the World Cup is the only salvation that our country has. Maybe at least we’ll be lulled into a deep comatose state that will allow us to miss out on any opportunity to possibly witness these programs.
One last comment before I go. I switched back to VH1 and the psychiatrist is with another patient doing the whole “kill this person with your thoughts” thing. At one point the patient’s father is slumped over in the chair and the patient is freaking.
“Why? Wait why is he slumped over like that,” the patient says.
“Maybe you killed him,” replies the doctor.
Oh man…this show is gonna ROCK!!
Peace & Love,