Saturday, June 19, 2010


In sad national news today, Reuters reports that Spongebob Squarepants is the latest casualty of the horrific oil spill in the Gulf. Spongebob leaves behind his life-partner Patrick to grieve.

Since the beginning of this oil spill, (which seems to have lasted my entire life), journalists have done their best to keep us on the breaking edge of news, by informing us that in America, there are people, and they‘re really pissed. The American people are really angry at Obama and BP. BP is really angry at Obama and fish. Obama is really angry at the Constitution. Congress is really angry that people have common sense. The American Association of Anger Management Providers are angry with angry people. In the meantime, the oil is on the verge of hitting the shoreline. One could assume that America’s solution to solving this crisis is to get really angry and glare at the oil spill.

I can see it now. Countless members of congress locking arms and glaring at the ocean. Nancy Pelosi could bring her gavel and talk about how the Tea Party protestors are to blame for this disaster. Democrats can blame Bush’s economic and foreign policy for the spill. Republicans can say that the oil spill is a result of overspending. Dubya can show up and say that the oil spill actually originated in Iraq. The Swedish fish from BP can come out and talk about how he’s there to help love “the small people.” Senator Joseph Cao (R-Prick) can tell the oil to go kill itself. It would be a good time. Eventually when the oil reaches shore they can just scoop it all up and send it to Senator Mike Bishop (R-Hair Gel). In fact why don’t we just drill that man’s hairline. It’s got enough oil in it. That has to be combustible and renewable.

However I know that this won't have to be. It's comforting to know that our government has finally stepped up and taken action by imposing a six month moratorium on BP and by filing some lawsuits. Because if there is anything in the world that will stop a massive oil leak--it's a lawsuit.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that our government couldn’t have been less motionless on this issue if they were Terri Schiavo. When that rig blew, the Dutch and countless others, sent their ships in to help. Our President, being the gracious guy he is, refused citing a need to go golfing. FORE!

So earlier today at work it dawned on me while I was getting yelled at by grouchy over-medicated/under-medicated patients. I have the perfect solution for cleaning up the gulf. I say that we send out a bunch of ships into the gulf with loud speakers. We then feed the news coverage of our politicians reacting to this crisis through these speakers and then sit back and wait. I imagine within a day the oil spill will grow so annoyed of the finger pointing and hysteria that it will set itself ablaze and plug its own hole.

Of course we could always feed the World Cup through and wait for the leak to simply lose all consciousness and will to live.

Speaking of modern day overblown sporting events; the Lakers won the NBA Finals Thursday. Personally I would’ve preferred the Celtics but whatever. I‘m not bringing this up to complain about what a media whore Kobe is. I’m actually bringing this up to laugh at Los Angeles, because LA needs to be laughed at daily. Seriously. LA. You do stupid…with style.

Prior to the game, the LAPD increased their police presence to record size, fearing that riots would break out on the city streets following the games. Countless advocacy groups screamed that this was “racist” and that the LAPD was jumping to “prejudiced” conclusions that people were going to riot over a basketball game. So following the Lakers victory, just to make me laugh uncontrollably, Los Angeles broke out in violence (riot). Priuses were overturned. Taxi cabs and Celtic fans were set ablaze (but they soon forgave the Lakers fans as both parties agreed that it was probably BP’s fault), and the LAPD was once again overwhelmed and undermanned.

Damn Los Angeles…You scary!

Peace & Love,

Joe K.

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