Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Sound of Silence...and Other Stories You Wish You Didn't Hear

Simon and Garfunkel have cancelled their North American tour after Art Garfunkel lost his voice. They made the announcement to the New York Daily News earlier today. In other news Ticketmaster issues an apology for accidentally describing the 1960s group as “Simon Garfunkel, a melon smashing aficionado and comedian.” All six fans under 60 will receive full refunds for their tickets at local Ticketmaster box offices. The other attendees who are too old to remember they purchased tickets in the first place will have their refunds sent out with their social security checks.

In case you forgot there is a really big oil spill in the Gulf and it’s still spewing. Somebody reminded the president earlier this morning that he needs to focus on the “Gulf” and Obama urgently assembled a team of secret service members to escort himself to the nearest golf course. On the other side of the pond, a BP executive went sailing with his son (in very clean conveniently oil-free water) and the White House press secretary and MSM had a cow. Members of the press expressed outrage at both Obama and BP over their recent actions. Fortunately the press eased off on Obama when they realized they were all invited to a VIP Paul McCartney concert featuring the Jonas Brothers at the White House. All journalists agree: BP threw off Obama’s swing.

Both the Obama camp and BP (Republicans) have hurled insults at each other in response to both sides perceived “lack of interest” in the oil spill. Republicans criticize Obama’s obsession with riding around in golf carts. The Obama camp criticizes the BP CEO’s yacht race while saying that Obama needs to golf to “clear his mind.” In the meantime both sides reassure the American people that they are very concerned about the small people off the gulf coast. They will do everything in their power to make sure that these little people know they care. In other news we still have an oil spill.

And that’s not all that’s spewing…

Vanessa Carlton is apparently “bisexual” because it’s been five years since she’s gotten any media attention.

Detroit Metro Airport has dropped their on-site parking rates for two popular parking facilities. In response to the $5 drop, airlines have agreed to raise their carry-on luggage fees to $90 a bag, fearing a near “financial crisis” for their home hub. The Obama administration reassures Americans that Metro Airport is “too big to fail”, and offers airport execs $40 million dollars in golf accessories courtesy of the middle class tax payer. Republicans criticize this plan citing that the real golf accessories are being held hostage somewhere else (Iraq). Democrats say Bush has them.

According to 2009 federal data, one in four Michigan bridges are “structurally deficient or functionally obsolete.” In an early morning statement MDOT informed Michigan drivers: “We’re broke. Drive on the other three. Build your own bridge and get over it.” Governor Granholm ensures that these bridges are too big to fail and proposes raising the state sales tax to 15% because taxing the problem makes it go away.
In other Michigan news the gubernatorial primaries heat up as candidates continue to debate each other to prove to the citizens of Michigan that they’re the right people for the governor's mansion. Meanwhile, Michigan citizens continue to debate each other as to whether Michigan is still a state or a two peninsula unemployment office. Polls slightly favor “unemployment office” over “state.”

Greta Van Susteren is still somewhere in Arizona.

Michael Jackson is dead but he still touches countless young children around the world (THROUGH HIS MUSIC). Maya Angelou is inviting countless fans from around the world to be a dot in a “pointillism” portrait of the late King of Pop. No word yet on whether there will be multiple MJ portraits for each nose/face/race/gender/species that he went through during his 50 years on Earth. All we know is that Maya Angelou will be on Michael Jackson, and this will mark the first time in recorded history that MJ actually had a female on his…never mind.

Peace Love

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