Thursday, June 17, 2010

Oh Look The World Cup is…Zzzzzz

The World Cup is entertaining. When I say the World Cup is entertaining I’m referring to the 10 minutes of the game I actually witness before falling into a short lived coma (usually ended by my rolling over onto the remote, cranking the volume button, and freaking out thinking I’m being attacked by a swarm of hornets). Seriously who the hell invented the Vuvuzela? I think we should take whoever invented that hellish “instrument” and lock them in a room with just Vuvuzelas everywhere. They will learn. Oh will they so learn.

I’m not a “futbol” fan by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t understand the game at all. I don’t understand people who understand the game and feel the need to talk about it to me like I understand (care). Personally I would rather listen to a box set of Vuvuzela led musical compositions.

I know very little about soccer. My knowledge of the sport can be summed up in two statements.

1.) You kick the ball into a net.
2.) The only people that can use their hands are the goalie and the fans. The goalie can stop the ball and throw it back into play. The fans can use their hands to beat the shit out of each other when the match is over.

However, I have plenty of friends that love the game so I figured that I’d give it a chance and actually watch the cup this year. By "watch" I mean: Subject myself to boredom on a masochistic scale.

I now understand why people kill each other following matches. If I had found myself at a sporting event that excruciatingly boring, for longer than an hour, I would too feel the need to just bash somebody's head in repeatedly. In fact I'd probably volunteer to be curb-stomped, as that may be the only possible solution to remove the monotonous buzzing from my head. In fact if I were on a plane which was showing soccer as a feature, I would highly consider hijacking the plane and crashing it.

Now I don’t have anything against the sport itself. I understand it’s the most popular sport in the world (I don’t get why but I understand the size of the following) and I understand that the physical stamina and discipline it takes to play soccer at that level is absolutely incredible and admirable. It just isn’t hockey. Hockey to me is the sport of all sports. It has contact. It has aggression. It has bloody rivalries. It has two players beating the crap out of each other on the ice and then being best friends off the ice but best of all…

NO Vuvuzelas.

Seriously why haven’t we used these things in Guantanamo?

Peace & Love

UPDATE 06/17/10: I have just made it through the Mexico vs France match without drifting into a catatonic state. Am I getting into this sport? There are no clear conclusions to be drawn at this point but I have been checking my drinks for drugs. The Vuvuzela may be some sort of mind control device. It doesn't really bother me anymore. Life is strange today. Very strange indeed.

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