DISCLAIMER: If you are/or are worried that you are any of these following types of pharmacy customers don't read it if you have no sense of humor. If you get offended do yourself a favor and reach down below your legs and pry the stick out of your ass. It might solve your constipation problems and your frequent abuse of painkillers...
- The "Oh You Must Be New Here" Patient: It never fails. This guy, who usually always wears golf shorts and nerdy glasses, likes to show up at pharmacies, retail chains, service desks, and act as the longest attending loyal customer to ever grace your presence. You could know damn well that they've never ever been to your store before but they will insist that some time long before you were born and before the store was built, they owned the parcel of land that your pharmacy sits upon and that you're "too new" to be aware of the special policies that apply him. You can identify these patients by their persistent use of Old Spice cologne from 1942 and body order from 1936.
- The "I Have A Deathly Ill Child But I'll Only Take It For Free" Foreign Patient: She usually walks in with a litter of misbehaving monster children. She'll babble on for 25 minutes ignoring the fact that you have other patients, usually about how her child was ran over by a wild boulder in Algeria. After wasting your time and raping your ear with information that you could care less to know about she'll present you with a state insurance card. When that doesn't go through, which it won't because you work in a pharmacy and God hates you, she'll scream about how it's supposed to be free and that her and her son, Pancake Pat, will just have to go take their business somewhere else. Since we don't actually really make any revenue from these type people I'd assume that by "taking their business" elsewhere they really mean relieving themselves in a competitor store. In that case victory for you and your store's janitor man.
- The "My Doctor Is God" Patient: We all know these people. The kind of people that would consider their doctor's urine holy water. They will usually bring in scripts with DAW (Dispense As Written for people outside the Pharm-Lingo) on like Plavix and Lipitor, or those with mathematical errors straight out of the 2nd grade. Their doctor could write the script for a patient by the name "Douchebag McCuntlicker" and you better believe that the pt will swear that it's their identity from a former life. "Oh my lawd, my doctor he's a SAGE!!!!"
- The "Manage My Nonexistent Pain" Pain Management Patient: Dude my head hurts get me a Vicodin. Yeah I've got Fluticasone and Advair written for me but I don't need to fucking breathe man...I need my Vikes.
- The "I Lost My Medication Because I'm Going On Vacation In an Hour" Patient: These pricks are my favorite people. They call up the pharmacy saying they lost their medication and are deathly in need of it only to show up and change their story to well we're going out of town for a few weeks and need a supply. They then meltdown at the counter when you get the PDX rejection stating that they're three weeks early for a refill on their medication despite a vacation override. Oh the sweet sound of rejection.
- The "I Read Wikipedia & WebMD Therefore I'm Smarter Than You" Patient: I think that God has created these people solely to entertain us. These are the people that move from room to room with notecards with stupid irrelevant facts and tidbits on them and try to go head to head with the pharmacist. They also diagnose themselves quite humorously. Dude man my stomachs hurting really bad...it's gotta be my glaucoma man...got any weed? Hmmm that effects the stomach now?
- The "Do You Know Who I Am" Patient: Apparently they know who they are. Therefore in their minds that's like celebrity status and you should be aware of their importance. Do you know who they are? Nope. Does anybody else in the store know who they are. Probably not. Does anybody care? Not likely. Do you? Nope.
- The "Stand And Yell At You To Solve My Problem" Patient: PDX says the insurance has been terminated. You inform the patient that they need to contact their insurance company and find out what's going on. In a perfect world they would simply sigh, nod, and go home to solve the problem. Does that happen? No. Instead of going home and calling the people who can solve the problem they proceed to cuss you out and scream at you, a non-representative of their insurance company, a third party, a completely detached entity. After all, you had nothing else going on that day or any other patient to worry about. You woke up in the morning and thought, "how can I fuck with Mr. Smith today?" So you walked into work and somehow through your will-power caused your patient's insurance coverage to commit suicide. There is no other logical solution. You are at fault. You work in the pharmacy. God hates you.
- The "Read My Mind" Patient: This would be possible if I had a Carnac hat and the patient had a mind to read.
Until next time,
Peace & Love & Narcotics
Crazily since 2007