Coupons...

Today a woman came up to me and got angry that Scarzone redesigned its packaging and increased its carbon footprint. In similar news I almost gave a shit.

But enough about clueless liberals.

Since reading has somewhat become a lost art form, at least for my clientele, the following needs to be explored...

GET UP TO A $10 GIFT CARD WITH NEW OR TRANSFERRED PRESCRIPTIONS TO YOUR LOCAL PHARMACY

I think I need to break this down. I feel as if I need to make like a poster board with a diagram explaining sentence structure and put it at the entrance of the store. This way people have to read it and pass like a quiz before they can walk up to the pharmacy counter!! So here goes nothing...

GET UP TO A $10
I have spent hours pondering how it is even possible for somebody to not grasp what is being said. I don't know how people take this as meaning they're entitled to get $10? If it would have said simply "GET A $10 GIFT CARD" then they'd have a point. Yet they don't. However what they don't have in grounds and justification they make up with attitude, saying stupid things like, "Oh it doesn't say that on the coupon" or my favorite "It's false advertising" or the oh-so-original "Your competitor would give me $10".

Oh how wrong you are my little sheep...

First off, it says it on the coupon. Not in the disclaimer, where you can miss it, but in BOLD FUCKING LETTERS. Not only is it in BOLD FUCKING LETTERS, but the message IS THE COUPON!!!

Second off, in order for it to be false advertisement it would have to say opposite of what it does say in BOLD FUCKING LETTERS on the coupon.

Third off, I don't care if your competitor gives you blowjobs. I'm not!!

GIFT CARD
As in card you get and can present to buy other stuff in the store. Not $10 off a prescription. Not $10 in cash. Not $10 in singles that you can use to buy a lapdance while your wife is at work or watching your illegitimate kids. A gift card. Who knew that when a coupon says, "GET A GIFT CARD", they actually mean GET A GIFT CARD?!! What a novel concept dear chap!

WITH NEW OR TRANSFERRED PRESCRIPTIONS TO YOUR LOCAL PHARMACY
Sigh...Deep deep deep sigh. For as many hours I've spent trying to understand how it is possible for the concept of "Up to $10" to rocket over people's heads; I've spent days trying to figure this one out.

New (adj.): Having just been acquired, created, or presented. Original.
Transferred (v.): Having transported, moved to another location.
Refill (n.): A prescription drug that is replenished again at it's original pharmacy.

Refill ≠ New
Refill ≠ Transferred
≠ ≠ =

When somebody comes to the counter and makes a statement along the lines of, "Oh well it's a new refill", I hear the Mortal Kombat voice say "Finish Him/Her." Then I remember that it's a decent paycheck and murder is frowned upon in the United States. It's frowned upon like masturbating on an airplane.

So the patient doesn't get what the coupon says. This could be bad enough but it gets worse. If they didn't understand what the coupon says, lemme tell you, the disclaimer is going to be a TOTAL MINDFUCK to them.

They probably won't even know what the disclaimer means. They probably don't even know what the word disclaimer means. If they're old or illegal, which means they most likely are under a state program and pay for their medications with OUR tax dollars, they probably fit somewhere under the all of the above category and don't care either way. With any store coupon you will probably find something along the lines of this in the disclaimer:

State or federal prescription insurance programs excluded/ineligible per offer.

This means Medicare Part D'ers & Medicaid recipients; the offer doesn't apply to you.

To recap what did we learn today?

"Up to $10" can mean anywhere from a penny to a $10 card.
"Gift Card" means "Gift Card."
The coupon means what it says.
Disclaimers are real too.

Hopefully this will help clear things up.

Until next time,

Peace & Love,

Joe K.