Sunday, April 18, 2010

Return of the Funny Pharm Customers

Considering I just seen a commercial for Lipitor, Zocor's sluttier more expensive sister, it's time to return to the land that I visit 4 times a week. Today, when I got a break at work, I racked my brain to come up with a list of patient types that walk through the door on a daily basis. I must say it took me a whole 10 minutes but I think anybody who works in a retail pharmacy will get a few laughs out of this.

DISCLAIMER...again: Don't read if you're easily offended and the stick up your ass aches at the sound of directed criticism towards you or yours. This is meant to be entertainment for the people who slave away to make sure you don't overdose on your medication or that you get your money's worth. You know people that actually work for a living and that aren't crackheads. : )

  • The You Never Called Me Patient: Pt walks through the door and his/her medication either doesn't have a refill, which they would clearly know if they looked on the bottle or had the right bottle to begin with, or they're too early. Do they accept this as an answer? No that would be too easy for you. They take a deep breath and look at you from the corner of their eye and proceed to make that one condescending remark they know would just piss you off. "And nobody bothered to call me?" It's always made by someone who never bothered to call YOU in the first place and ask whether they could pick something up. Hmm convenience?
  • The Stop & Stare Patient: Truly the most entertaining out of any stereotype patient sample, these people can add a zing of entertainment value to your normally monotonous workday. This works best if they're schizophrenic/paranoid. When the patient interrupts you in the middle of doing something probably more important than anything they could throw at you and proceeds to stare at you through the glass/open window of the pharmacy stop and stare back. If they're paranoid, stare through them and throw in a few horrified "look out behind you" expressions. Trust me.
  • The Psychic Hotline Patient: They call up on the phone. You don't know why they called. I'm pretty sure they have even less of an idea why they called you. Pretty soon the situation begins to feel much like the "Call A Friend" lifeline from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. They describe their situation to you and you feel like somebody just told a joke without a punchline. You're waiting to know what they want you to do for them but they never get around to their point. Somebody wake up Miss Cleo.
  • The WTF Are You Here Patient: Similar to the "Psychic Hotline Patient" all though in person and much more awkward. You don't know why they're there. Neither do they. If they stop and stare you'll know what to do.
  • The 21 Questions Patient: Similar to the game, these patients treat the pharmacy like a desk reference. Mostly composed of schizophrenics, hypochondriacs, nursing students, and crackheads. Where are the microwaves? If my dog bites my leg do I have rabies? How fat is too fat? My farts smell like Oprah. Do I get a humpback whale?
  • The Purple Drank Patient: I couldn't think of a better name. Self-explanatory. They always have scripts for narcs and cough syrups. The doctor is always weird. The doctor's office receptionists are even weirder. Their offices are always in Narnia, the patient always lives 400 miles away on Planet Zorcon, and they always have a "really really sick" kid somewhere that's either invisible or locked in their basement.
  • The No Prescription 20 Coupons Patient: Sigh. First they walk up to you and ask you before anything whether they can get their $10-$100 gift card for their prescription. You inform them of your store policies. They never listen to any of it because by the time you get to the register to ring them up 15 minutes later they're bitching about something. They don't like something about the script so they want their prescription back and then expect you to still give them a gift card. Fuck these people.
Its these things that allow me reflect on these moments of my life and realize that I need to drink...A LOT.

Until next time...

Peace and love and Xanax,

Joe K.

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