Saturday, March 13, 2010

Combustable Pasta, Epic Fails & Flaming Emo Kids

Today is Saturday, March 13th, and it sucks outside. Right now I am sitting in my kitchen waiting for this pasta that I have decided to try cooking today to either resemble an edible meal or spontaneously combust when it hits the plate. It's not that I'm a bad cook it's just that everytime I've attempted to make this dish or help out it has failed epically.

That being said why do people say things like epic fail so damn much? I mean you're walking down the street and all of a sudden you see this chick jogging through a neighbor's sprinkler system down the sidewalk in a tight white top and short running shorts. As she runs through the sprinklers she seductively notices that the wetness of her top is now giving the locals a show but nobody seems to mind including her. She decides to go with it and run in almost slow motion in front of the crowd off the edge of the street corner and right into the path of an oncoming school bus.

That scenario would be an epic fail. It has the cinematic sequence of events that requires a scored soundtrack behind it. It has sensuality, action, suspense, and a surprise ending. However somebody getting hit in the nuts by a little kid standing in front of tee with a plastic bat definitely is not an epic fail. In fact its not even funny. AFV what are you doing with your lives?????

Epic (n): of unusually great size or extent.
Fail (v): to not succeed

Put these two words together you get a FAIL of grandeur. The kind of fail that is so cataclysmic and embarrassing that the epic failee has no other choice but to hide in their closet for the rest of their lives or subject themselves to a career in porn or something far dirtier and profane: political office.

I think there needs to be a public service announcement for the youth of today. People are too ignorant to understand what constitutes an epic fail and because of this end up subjecting themselves to their own chances of epic failure, mislabeling a non-epic event, as one of that stature. Imagine the embarrassment as young Jimmy while sitting at a booth at Denny's sees a waitress drop a plate of food on their way out of the kitchen onto an unsuspecting patron stands up and proclaims to to the world, "EPIC FAIL!"

While it is quite funny that the Denny's waitress (most likely fat or pregnant) would drop a plate of food all over a patron (probably a stoner or emo kids) it is not epic. There is nothing epic about it at all. Erase that thought from your mind.

Now had this plate contained a flammable substance which then landed upon the patron as he was lighting a cigarette and caused the entire restaurant and next door gas station to explode in flames; we'd have epic failure and probably a tragedy.

Its not that I would want this to happen to the wonderful institution of Denny's, a fat waitress, or a lovable stoner. I mean there are far more efficient and creative ways to set an emo kid on fire, like exposing them to sunlight or playing them optimistic music, which wouldn't subject people with souls physical harm.

(Note the above was a joke)

But I digress, nobody really cares about emo kids anyways. The pasta is almost done and folks believe it or not it actually resembles an edible substance. Mama mia! Dinner is served.

Until next time.
: )

Peace & Love,
Joe K

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