Thursday, February 10, 2011

Smokers & Asses

EXHIBIT A: Smokers

Researchers in the city of San Francisco, a bastion for implementation of sane and reasonable public policy, have found that besides smoking a cigarette and being around somebody that’s smoking is a little known third villainous evil: Thirdhand Smoke.

This type of smoke is so dangerous that when a smoker lights up in an apartment complex or garage, the smoke can then seep into the walls, cracks in the walls, under the crack of the door, and linger there. However it just doesn’t linger like a creeping peeping tom in your bedroom at night. It’s much more maniacal and malicious than that. The smoke will than collaborate with other hardened household criminals like dust, dog farts, and household chemicals and become much more toxic. It will wait for you to sleep and then seep in through skin, into your lungs, and up the crack of your ass and make you 10 times more likely to get lung cancer than a person living in a plastic bubble.

You know what really cracks me up about this article besides its ridiculously foreboding “alarmist” tone? The fact that one of these two researchers has the audacity to act as if small children are being maliciously exposed to carcinogens in “dust” and “small things they put in their mouths” (or lack thereof considering this researcher is a female living in San Francisco) solely by smokers and smoking alone .

For people that live under a rock carcinogens are things that contribute to or cause cancer. So if we’re going to single out third hand smoke (aka the smell) why don’t we go after other more widespread and consistent culprits?

Let’s start with UV radiation which our sun produces. Yeah, small children wouldn’t find themselves exposed to that at all. Ammonia (found in household cleaners, bleach, in traces of glass, etc.) is also a carcinogen. Vapors from Detergents are also found to be carcinogenic. I guess you better not wash your kid's clothes. They may get cancer from it. How about the radio waves that are constantly being transmitted through open air for our FM & AM broadcasts? How about the fact that your house is probably located by a power tower or cell phone tower of some form? How about the fact that you live in California? Ever been to the Los Angeles? Yeah that’s some good brown air you got there.

My point is not to act as if smoking isn't bad for you. Trust me. I know first hand that smoking causes cancer and it's a horrible habit. What I'm pointing out is how people who want to simply control how others live go about doing that. This is how legislation passes and changes occur. This is how liberties disappear. Somebody with some form of authority (whether it's the government or somebody who just thinks they're important) comes out with a study or a bunch of meaningless statistics to cause a public panic. They scare people. Case in point think about 9-11. What happened after 9-11? People were in a mass panic. What passed right after 9-11? The Patriot Act. What did the Patriot Act do to stop terrorism? Absolutely nothing. What happened to many of our civil liberties as Americans following the passage of the Patriot Act? They got kicked to the curb.

If this article seriously freaks you out and you’re a pregnant woman; seriously just find a clinic and end it or give the kid up for adoption. If miniscule particles are going to send you into an overprotective “bubble-wrap my child” state of living it is better that that kid doesn’t even know you as a parent. Better yet. Stop calling for government to take away my freedoms because you're a paranoid idiot.

“I woke up at night,” Ballard said, “and I could just smell the tobacco smell getting worse every night. It was like it was just oozing out of the walls.”

Yes as if suddenly in the middle of the night the smoke just comes out to get you. Logical breakdown here. If you don’t smoke and the smell is bothering you why did you buy the apartment? That smell had of been there when you were looking at the place. It’s not like your furniture is taking a couple drags while you’re out. You didn’t know that a heavy smoker had just moved out? If you fart and you’re the only person in the car do you blame the radio station?

This is what I’m talking about and why I’m firmly pro-choice because seriously it’s better that some people don’t have children. This is woman is a prime example of what “spoiled brats” grow up to turn into. It’s not my fault that I was stupid enough to sign an agreement on an apartment that reeked of smoke. It’s the original residents fault for choosing to smoke.

I mean can we seriously make our society any wimpier? Give me a freaking break. First you can’t play dodge ball because it’s too violent and then you can’t play it because it’s discriminative against fat people. Yet the same flag wavers that are complaining about dodge ball being discriminative towards fat people are in turn discriminating against society as a whole by filing lawsuits against food companies over portion sizes because people are getting way "too fat."

Full circle moment. Hey Oprah!

Let’s not offend fat people by simply telling them they’re fat and can either lose weight or face the consequences of higher insurance rates, Diabetes, cardiovascular problems, etc. du jour. Let us instead legislate that restaurants need to serve the entire public less for their money because Porkie has a Food-to-Mouth problem.

I can see it now…

Fourth Hand Smoke: Cancer from talking to a smoker over a phone.

Fifth Hand Smoke: Cancer from merely thinking about a smoker.

Sixth Sense Smoke: Cancer from a smoker psychically transmitted to a non-smoker.


Speaking of incredibly stupid people we have a story that I'm sure will be the butt of many jokes. (HAHA I’m so punny!)

Apparently this 20 year-old British idiot went to Philadelphia and got a “Back-Alley Butt Job” at a Hampton Inn. That’s not even the beginning of a bad joke. That’s the entire story. Oh yeah, and she died.

I admit that when I seen a headline reading, “British Tourist Dies After Getting Butt Implants At A Hampton Inn”, I laughed my ass off (there I go again) for a good ten minutes. This woman seriously might get an award for being the idiot of the year but it’s still only February and there’s ten months to go until 2012. I’m sure somebody will make a bigger ASS of themselves. Oh there I go again flexing my puns of steel!

If there is an afterlife and everybody truly does get a chance to meet I really need to find this woman and ask her at what point she realized this was a bad idea. I’m thinking never. That of course is just one man’s opinion but I have a hunch that he's probably right. In fact I’m kind of curious to find out how this procedure even went down without this woman being a complete airhead. There is a reason why you never see “Butt Implants Coming Soon” on convention center schedules at your local motel-hotel-holiday inns.

Anyways lady. Hat’s off to you. You were born an airhead and died a hardass. May you RIP...


Until next time,

Peace & Love


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