Monday, January 31, 2011

Cable News 2011 Winter Survival Guide: BUY FLARES!

Hide your husbands!!! Hide yo wives!! A blizzard be comin'!

In case you didn't hear or haven't watched television in a while (I don't blame you) tomorrow begins Sweeps Month. It's also pretty handy that tomorrow night Southeastern MI is supposed to be bullseyed by a massive snowstorm. Thanks to the ratings hungry cable news channels people are "in the know" about the coming weather and are thankfully taking precautions.

And by taking precautions I mean going absolutely bon-fuck-kers.

All day today grocery stores, retail chains, pharmacies, and supermarkets alike have been contending with massive crowds of people buying out shelves of water, canned goods, heaters, medicine, clothes, etc., on the basis that apparently this storm is going to be so big that if people don't go out and push and shove and trample over each other like it's Black Friday at the WWE; we may all very well die horrific unfathomable white fluffy deaths.

Accuweather projections predict that this apocalyptic blizzard could produce anywhere between...wait for it...10 to 15 inches of snow. The blizzard (who goes by "Tommy Lee") may also produce high gusts of wind and freezing rain all of which are totally unheard of in the Midwest...especially February. O_o

So what are you doing to protect yourself against this armed and incredibly dangerous storm? Have you prepared a will? Do you have your financial affairs completely in order? Have you decided which family member from out of state (somewhere further south where one inch of snow constitutes a state of emergency and economic shutdown) will inherit your pets? Is State Farm really there for you? Where's that black guy from the Allstate commercials? Does he know whether you're in good hands or not? Will our Ballparks still plump if we have to cook them on an electric griddle?!

I don't know about you but what I learned from the likes of MSNBC (which I'm told still has viewers) and CNN Headline News (I don't know about them) is that it is very important to have a Household Emergency Snow Kit. Now you're probably thinking right about now, "Gee I know what goes in an Household Emergency Snow Kit, Joe!"

Shovel, Warm Clothes, Cocoa, Salt, Electric Heaters...

Maybe if you lived in Ohio! *Que cheesy news anchor laughs*

But no, seriously. You're totally wrong. You forgot the Flares.

According to cable news and the massive amounts of clear cable news watchers that I encountered in the aisles of Meijer and Kroger today; it is very certain the Mayans were horribly wrong and the world will actually end tomorrow night. Scientifically this is a plausible hypothesis. I have absolutely no evidence to back up how it could be plausible except for the fact that Justin Bieber not only wrote a novel, but is coming out with a movie--and that in itself is like equipotent to opening Pandora's Box or maybe breaking a really big mirror.

However if you simply do what cable news tells you to do and follow the crowd of raving shopaholic lunatics; you will live to see another day...of looking like a complete douche.

So to my fellow douches, paranoid schizophrenics, and Fox News habitual viewers here are some steps to survive the coming blizzard.

It's the day before a massive apocalyptic event is going to occur! You know that miniskirt you've always wanted at Forever 21?! Buy it (unless you have kankles because nobody wants to see those) and put it on your credit card! Raid local supermarkets and grocery stores and stock up on everything and anything. Buy pointless shit that you would never spend a penny or second of your time on a normal basis. I'm talking Chia Pets, Bungee Cords, & products sold at your local Kmart. You don't know how long you're going to be stuck in your houses so you want to be prepared. The April Thaw is a long two months away and truth be told; you can only stand your family and roommates for so long before you start considering cannibalism which brings me to my next point!

You'd be surprised how valuable your Aunt Myrtle or cousin Samantha might be to a prospective buyer in Uzbekistan, Laos, or Micronesia. Any source of additional income will be needed considering that you won't be able to make it to your place of work (the whole being buried in snow thing) and that 62 inch LED 3D hi-def TV set you just purchased is not going to pay for itself. Hey it's an emergency damnit!! The Super Bowl is this weekend!

Note to reader: Not very important but the next bullet is!!

Because we all know how handy these little things are when you're stranded in the middle of complete nowhere. Forest fires do tend to garner a certain amount of public attention. Why not have a few of these things lying around the house? If your power goes out and you don't have heat or extra clothes for warmth you can light up a flare and stick it up your ass. This way you'll not only die faster than going into hypothermia but the rectal pressure will put a literal meaning to the phrase "totally fucked." Remember only you can start a house fire!

Believe it or not this may be an important item to have at your house. Since we all know that the city will be sending armies of plows and salt trucks to your very neighborhood to ensure that your streets are completely safe to travel on--you may need to get that snow out of your driveway. Of course it's possible that the city might send people to do that for you and if that's the case it's very plausible that you don't live in Metro Detroit. Just remember! Flares come first!

Considering our fine snow removal services may miss the occasional street or region having some salt around the house may be advisable. If your local grocer is out of salt, you may consider mining for it yourself or purchasing an M1 Tank. This way you can wage war against your neighbors over resources. Two Bush administrations can't be wrong!!

Remember the only way to beat the winter blues is to blend it with ice and booze. You'll have plenty of ice and plenty of time to drink and remind yourself what a great idea it was to move to Michigan in the first place.

Buy them damnit!!!

So there it is. Follow these simple fail-proof steps and you'll live to see March.

And if you don't...may God have mercy on your souls.

Until next time.

Peace & Love

No comments:

Post a Comment