Monday, September 6, 2010

Smart Phones Smart Phones Dumb You

I’m fucking sick!


There are two culprits. One is stress. The other is that my body went into shock with the temperature change here in Michigan. We can’t just have a smooth casual descent into autumn in this state. There’s no constant. The temperature goes up and then it goes down. Every other day it’s hot and then it’s cold and then it rains and then there‘s a drought! If you’re lucky enough to live in a state where the weather differs by a matter of degrees between seasons (as opposed to days here) and you’d like to experience what Michigan weather in September is like you should do the following.

- Take your hands.
- Place them on either side of your head.
- Squeeze the fuck out of your head for like five hours.
- Stop for an hour.
- Repeat last two steps for the entire month of September.

So as I sit here in my bedroom, draped in the cool glow from my laptop and mesmerized by the ambient drone of the Weather Channel on my television, I realize one thing: I need to find a new phone. My two-year contract with T-mobile is almost up and I find myself in love with the new Sprint EVO. It’s a blind love because I know absolutely nothing about smart phones but isn’t all love blind?

Actually I’m absolutely clueless about phones in general really. My last two phones had the functionality to text and make calls. I had a phonebook and Tetris. My last phone did not even have an internet data plan on it because I didn’t choose to take out a large bank loan to pay my monthly phone bill. However, in the last year android (I’m assuming they’re called this because it sounds really cool) phones have taken over the world. Being as busy a guy as I am (you laugh I‘ll give you a virus) the idea of having a phone that I can keep a bunch of work crap, school crap, and crappy crap in one portable spot is awesome. Plus I can apparently link my social networks and Twitter accounts on my phone and even push 4G’s. I’m assuming that 4G is better than 3G. I just don’t want a phone that pushes too many G’s because I may pass out and if I were to be driving that's not a good thing.

So I find myself at these stores staring at the endless displays of smart phones as a customer service representative blabs on and on about 4G functionality, application markets, and God knows what other weird shit the particular phone can do. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: So how is the call quality?

Salesperson: Oh dude, it’s like so clear. It’s got a built in satellite link-up quantum spaghetti muchacho magnetic flux capacitor built into it that allows for you call somebody in Antarctica from 6000 miles away and make it sound like you’re standing right text to them!

Me: I don’t know anybody in Antarctica.

Salesperson: That’s okay! You can link up your social networks and your phone will automatically pick out people’s profile information and phone numbers from around the world for you to meet via Facebook, Twitter, Myspace.

Me: I don’t really think that’s safe.

Salesperson: Dude this phone is you!

Me: I’ll think about it man but I really don’t know about the price…

Salesperson: No I mean this phone can literally be you. It can clone copies of your DNA!

Me: …O_o

Phones today basically do everything and it’s almost scary. Actually the progression of technology is getting really scary. We seem to be tiptoeing into that no-man’s land where we’re creating appliances that are smarter than we are. There is a bathroom scale out there that will remember your weight from the last time you stood on it and tell you how much weight you’ve gained or lost since your last visit. Oh yeah, and it can differentiate you from whomever else stands on it by the texture of the bottom of your foot. I’m sorry I really don’t want any appliance feeling up on my feet. I don’t even like touching my own feet.

Do we really need refrigerators that can greet us in the morning by name or coffee makers that speak 17 different languages? I don’t think so. However this is how technology has progressed in the last twenty years. This is the world we live in and for $200.99 you can find out what everybody else in the world has put up as their latest status.

You can even call them.

Until next time

Peace & Love


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