Friday, July 16, 2010

CONVENTIONal Politics & Stuff

It’s officially primary season in the mitten. On August 3rd that jovial season will come to it’s climactic ending when literally dozens of Michigan voters will wait in very short lines at their polling stations to vote for their candidate, whom inevitably may quite possibly still lose in November. Regardless it’s always important to vote (P-Diddy will kill you if you don‘t) so we have the option of complaining when our candidate turns out to be just as worthless as the others two to three years down the road. I mean Obama has proved that in a year and a half.

However the most entertaining part of the campaigning season for me has to be the debates, especially those during the primary. Recently, Rochester Hills (a wealthy suburb), located in Oakland County (a wealthy county), hosted a debate for the Republican candidates (all ridiculously wealthy). This event was staged before an audience of all “undecided” voters (wealthy Michigan republicans). We in the blogging community provided in-depth razor sharp commentary on our blogs as it happened in live time and when I say we I mean other people--I played Pacman on my phone.

So considering I did watch enough of the debate to formulate a general opinion on the candidates; I say with firm conviction that it is my duty to post a few observations that should definitely not effect anybody’s vote. So here without further delay is “Joe’s Completely Unimportant Thoughts On The Next “Maybe” Governor of MI”

Tom George: Remember back during the 2008 Presidential primaries when Ron Paul stood on stage with his fellow Republicans and not being a total head-case, stood out like a sore thumb? Those were messed up times. You remember the main villain from the movie The Incredibles? That was Tom George. I don’t know anything about Tom George and after that debate I wish I knew less. Every thing he said dripped with disdain and arrogance. He even pulled the John Kerry “Go to my website” ploy as an answer to a question. It went off like a fart in church. He’s obsessed with the idea of a constitutional convention. I learned that his entire working blueprint is based off of the idea of having a constitutional convention. I had no idea that we even were voting for a constitutional convention in November but I bet if it passes Tom George will cream himself. I assume he likes convention centers, political conventions, convention areas, normative examples, and conventionality. I assume he also likes orgies. Oh yeah he’s a doctor. Considering my experience in meeting and working with physicians--it’s a safe bet George is a conventional asshole.

Mike Cox: What can I say about Cox? Kwame cover-up? Ha-ha, okay that was a low blow (not really) but in all truth I can’t tell you much about Cox. I can however tell you all about his family since he answered every question with random facts about how the experiences of his random relatives somehow qualifies him for governor. He has a father who was a union leader, a mother who took yoga, and an uncle who rode on a bus a couple times. Every answer consisted of him reciting his television ads live for the audience of “undecided” republican voters. But after listening to Tom George ramble on about constitutional conventions all night--Mike Cox seemed interesting.
Rick Snyder: Didn’t show up to the debate. I couldn’t tell you where he was but I’m betting he was doing something nerdy. Maybe he was hanging out with his virtual family or totally “pwning” a business deal somewhere. It doesn’t matter. George managed to make up for this asshole’s absence. Note to self: Snyder = George-Lite.

On another note, Snyder is once again ahead in polls which could mean:
1.) The Michigan electorate is made up of people who stare at Orange Juice containers because it “told them to.”
2.) The debates are about as imperative as a microphone at an Ashlee Simpson gig.
3.) The people who conducted the poll all have Orange Juice containers on their desks.
4.) I have not done enough cocaine to understand how people think in this state.
5.) All of the above.

Mike Bouchard: Can’t complain about much. He presented himself professionally and answered his questions clearly and effectively. He also sent Tom George into a near psychotic fit. Don’t agree with him about the whole “Right-to-Work” issue but anybody who pisses off the doctor is okay in my books.

Pete Hoekstra: I’ve always liked the guy, however for some reason, I feel that he was on a ten second delay that night. Stiff was an understatement. Regardless he was the ballsiest of the candidates on the stage and the most blunt and open about his plans. I think him and Bouchard would make a good pair.

All I know is that this debate has reinforced one concrete fact: Devin Scillian sucks. Devin Scillian is not running for governor. I don’t care what his opinion is. Go away.

So in conclusion on August 3rd you should vote. Because if you don’t the terrorists win. Keep in mind--a vote for anybody is a vote for Devin Scillian to shut the fuck up.

Peace & Love,

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