Friday, March 19, 2010

Expert Procrastination: A Step by Step Guide

How to Procrastinate

By An Expert Procrastinator

*Works best in English & Composition classes where the more bullshit you put down on a paper the happier your, probably still recovering from Woodstock professor, will be.

Step One: Read the syllabus and memorize important information about the assignment. Usually you can follow up each criteria mark with a verbal remark about the professor, his wife, sleeping with his wife, how the professor clearly has no wife or has never been laid. I usually substitute remarks with his wife about how pointless this class is and how my life has no meaning.

Step Two: Set the syllabus aside with the "intention of revisiting it later." Much much later.

Step Three: Don't touch it.

Step Four: A day or two before the assignment is due have an "oh shit moment." For best effect have it occur at night, preferably the night before the day that you had plans that did not involve finishing the assignment due the following day.

Step Five: If Step Four occurs at night roll over in bed and look at the syllabus. Glare and curse it with a comment about it, its wife, the color of the papers, the professor, his wife, sleeping with his wife, how the professor clearly has no wife and has never been laid. You may also substitute these remarks with the classic never failing FML.

Step Six: The following day, after dragging your most likely and preferably hungover ass out of bed, find your laptop and start it.

Step Seven: Go on Facebook and post a status complaining about how you can't believe this stupid assignment is already due and how it's your professor's (who has no wife or has never been laid) fault that you decided to not start it until now. If you are obsessed with Farmville play that. Just don't send people Farmville requests that don't share your obsession. Than you just look like an asshole.

Step Eight: Look at the clock and mutter to yourself about how late it is even if it's that late. Post an angry status to Facebook about this. Statuses like "time to hit the ol' dusty trail" fit the mood perfectly. Who knows? Maybe you'll get a few likes and lol's.

Step Nine: Poke some people. Poke wars are always entertaining. Pointless yet entertaining nonetheless.

Step Ten: Open a word document.

Step Eleven: It is at this period of time that I like to zone out for about fifteen minutes while staring at the blank white page. I like to make it impossible for a passerby to judge which is blanker: the page or my expression. During this period of time you can reflect on how much you hate your professor, his wife that he does not have, and consider arranging for someone to finally get the poor old guy laid. You can also think about how much you hate your life or count the number of floaties and squigglies that pass by your line of vision.

Step Twelve: When you're done counting squigglies start bullshitting your way to an A. If you aren't motivated or it isn't close enough to the deadline return to Step Eight and begin again. If you actually know what the hell your talking about that helps too. You can add that to the bullshit.

Step Thirteen: Drink.

Step Fourteen: Drink some more. Believe it or not the drunk's essays are the most creative. Just make sure to have somebody sober read it after and use the spell check... twice.

Step Fifteen: Turn in your A+ assignment.

Step Sixteen: Post a victorious status about it on Facebook.

Step Seventeen: If not victorious make a status attacking your professor, his wife, sleeping with his wife, the fact that he has no wife and finally has never gotten laid in his entire life.

Until next time...

Peace & Love,

Joe K.

Special thanks to every blood-sucking bastard of a professor or instructor I have ever had as a student. You completed me. : )_~~~

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